the issue of having parties
The reason why I started this blog.. is so tht I can write my negaitve feelings openly... especially so that my mom can reds it and give ms her feelings about it... I haven't tell her the addy yet though... I have been waiting till the day when I have a tidy amount of entries before I write and tell her bout the addy...
I often wondered... are birthday parties really for the person who's the birthday girl/guy or are they really for the people who wants to celebrate for them? i really dunno? I never want a birthday party.. I never want a big crowded parties and then invite all those people who are not close to me... why bother inviting people when they dun really matter in the first place? why invite people just because you cannot leave them out by just inviting some people from the group? and then spend those sms on them and spend more when they reply that they are not going? what's the point when you have a party but those that matter can't come? I feel like a complainer... which is what God don't like... i feel like Sandry... how can you say no to those who want to go overseas and can't stay for the party? I mean what's the point of telling me you wish to come and really want to come? in the first place.. you would want to go overseas right? what would you have me say? that I dun want you to go overseas and snorkel and scuba dive? when that's what I would want to do too... instead of coming down to boring chalet for a boring party held for a boring geek...
is it wrong to think for the feelings of other people? though it was true that the invitiation was made on an impulse but because of the fear that you would feel awkward and left out tht I ask if it's okay we celebrate another day? nope... that's what you say to me.. that you thought it was a pretty indecisive thing, so you ignored it... somewhere along the line I said I dun think it matters if I dun have a good time, (my meaning was that everyone else should have a good time) but you say then why celebrate it?
it felt like a slap in the face... you think I want? I didn't say... lol HAIZ... maybe like what you said, I really do think too much about pleasing everyone... but you know what? it's only because you aren't close to me that I worry... if it's YJ or YH or Serene, I won't care a hoot... cause I know they won't mind... they will understand... actually shouldn't it be an honour tht I care for your feelings? I dunno... maybe it's cause I dun even know you... okay then why do I invite you? I dunno... cause I felt guilty when I leave you out of the invitation list... I feel being treated very unfairly... you always do that to me... I dun understand.. why are your words always stuck with pointy sharp edges? wht's the point in saying you want to marry me when there's no similiarity between us? when all we ever do is bickle and I get hurt? i can't remember when mom said that I have to work on being more observant of how other people feel... but if it's you who said it... I feel as though isn't it you who should change?
I dun understand... the whole's made of imperfect people... i am too self-absorbed... right? i dun want the party... I truly dun want... who can understand? who? there's no one... truly no one... even if I say how I feel... who can understand me? people think it's a good thing to have a party... but it's like saying oh isn't it good you are getting married... but actually the person you are married is not the person you love? and the person doesn't love you? It's like even though it's good to have a party... but it's not what I want.. it's not when I want... it's not how I want... people say we can't always have what we want.. if not we will get spoilt.. yeah true... but at the expense of not feeling happy... what's the point? it's supposed to be the happiest day of your life... it's not... IT"S NOT!!!!
hhaha I am becoming a silly girl now... I dun know why I am supposed to do the mindfulness.. ooh yeah it's supposed to help me deal with my emotions... actually waht's the point in doing it? i have too mnay negative emotions to deal with tht mindfulness doesn't seem useful enough.. I dun feel rested... I dun feel rested enough from everyone... I feel overworked... when actually I have no worked much... I think it's a pyschological thing... that's why I m getting sick more often... that's why i am getting giddy more often... more cold more often... it's like my body is dying while I am still physically walking around... ctually why I complain so much? Alan didn't complain even though he serves us every week by getting the seats... he definitely didn't complain when his family is over worked... he is stressed by school work... why am I so immature? so lousy? so self-centered... My cgl is right... I dun feel worthy to serve people who are so nice, so servantiute... i yearn for a fresh touch of God... where are You? God... tell me what to do? I wan to be nice... but I can't... I face them then I feel familiar defenses coming up... am I to let my guard down now? and just get hurt again? who's then to mend my heart?
I often wondered... are birthday parties really for the person who's the birthday girl/guy or are they really for the people who wants to celebrate for them? i really dunno? I never want a birthday party.. I never want a big crowded parties and then invite all those people who are not close to me... why bother inviting people when they dun really matter in the first place? why invite people just because you cannot leave them out by just inviting some people from the group? and then spend those sms on them and spend more when they reply that they are not going? what's the point when you have a party but those that matter can't come? I feel like a complainer... which is what God don't like... i feel like Sandry... how can you say no to those who want to go overseas and can't stay for the party? I mean what's the point of telling me you wish to come and really want to come? in the first place.. you would want to go overseas right? what would you have me say? that I dun want you to go overseas and snorkel and scuba dive? when that's what I would want to do too... instead of coming down to boring chalet for a boring party held for a boring geek...
is it wrong to think for the feelings of other people? though it was true that the invitiation was made on an impulse but because of the fear that you would feel awkward and left out tht I ask if it's okay we celebrate another day? nope... that's what you say to me.. that you thought it was a pretty indecisive thing, so you ignored it... somewhere along the line I said I dun think it matters if I dun have a good time, (my meaning was that everyone else should have a good time) but you say then why celebrate it?
it felt like a slap in the face... you think I want? I didn't say... lol HAIZ... maybe like what you said, I really do think too much about pleasing everyone... but you know what? it's only because you aren't close to me that I worry... if it's YJ or YH or Serene, I won't care a hoot... cause I know they won't mind... they will understand... actually shouldn't it be an honour tht I care for your feelings? I dunno... maybe it's cause I dun even know you... okay then why do I invite you? I dunno... cause I felt guilty when I leave you out of the invitation list... I feel being treated very unfairly... you always do that to me... I dun understand.. why are your words always stuck with pointy sharp edges? wht's the point in saying you want to marry me when there's no similiarity between us? when all we ever do is bickle and I get hurt? i can't remember when mom said that I have to work on being more observant of how other people feel... but if it's you who said it... I feel as though isn't it you who should change?
I dun understand... the whole's made of imperfect people... i am too self-absorbed... right? i dun want the party... I truly dun want... who can understand? who? there's no one... truly no one... even if I say how I feel... who can understand me? people think it's a good thing to have a party... but it's like saying oh isn't it good you are getting married... but actually the person you are married is not the person you love? and the person doesn't love you? It's like even though it's good to have a party... but it's not what I want.. it's not when I want... it's not how I want... people say we can't always have what we want.. if not we will get spoilt.. yeah true... but at the expense of not feeling happy... what's the point? it's supposed to be the happiest day of your life... it's not... IT"S NOT!!!!
hhaha I am becoming a silly girl now... I dun know why I am supposed to do the mindfulness.. ooh yeah it's supposed to help me deal with my emotions... actually waht's the point in doing it? i have too mnay negative emotions to deal with tht mindfulness doesn't seem useful enough.. I dun feel rested... I dun feel rested enough from everyone... I feel overworked... when actually I have no worked much... I think it's a pyschological thing... that's why I m getting sick more often... that's why i am getting giddy more often... more cold more often... it's like my body is dying while I am still physically walking around... ctually why I complain so much? Alan didn't complain even though he serves us every week by getting the seats... he definitely didn't complain when his family is over worked... he is stressed by school work... why am I so immature? so lousy? so self-centered... My cgl is right... I dun feel worthy to serve people who are so nice, so servantiute... i yearn for a fresh touch of God... where are You? God... tell me what to do? I wan to be nice... but I can't... I face them then I feel familiar defenses coming up... am I to let my guard down now? and just get hurt again? who's then to mend my heart?
posted by didi at
10:43:00 PM
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