A person of infinite worth

Lately, I was quite troubled.. cause my cg appreciated me... I know... it should be something you should be glad of... but I wasn't.. I was overwhelmed by it... I dunno how to react to it... too much... my family never do that to me...

Actually... I felt very down lately... cause I was troubled.. about my vow and my emotions... I thought back... I really wanted to just sit at my master's feet and listen to Him speak... I really want to dwell in His presence... away from people who get in the way of me trying to seek after Him... There's so much to do... like wht Pastor Phil would do, he would get up and start confessing tht God is his strength... I wanna do that too.. but it's so hard... I get distracted...

I felt very worried... scared that I would waste R's money... already, the left eyebrow seemed out of trim... I tried already.. it's just that I can't stare at my eyebrow with my right eye for more than a few seconds.. if not everything will start blurring into reddish brown... dunno how I am going to manage... I kept thinking whether I have wasted his money...

I kept thinking why the cg think I am so nice... actually I am a selfish person... I only treat them nice cause it's what we should do... but I need time for myself too... when I shared my testimonies last week.. I thought it sounded weird and fake.. cause Mj was looking at me weirdly when I said the cg's my family... I did ask him to talk to the cg about the problems in the cg, and I am truly glad he did.. but then I didn't expect everyone or rather almost everyone to appreciate me... it's overwhelming cause I don't know how to react to it... do I smile? or cry? I normally cry or smile when I am told to... something in me will tell me whether I should cry, whether I should feel something.. in other words, I am almost a machine... just that I am flash and blood but devoid of emotions...

If the cg only know how selfish I am, how I want to keep away from them to spend time by myself... I am in true, a loner.. I just want to be by myself sometimes... I can't stand close contct some times.. yet I yearn too for close relationships, where I get to know other people and stuff... mom you say that you hope to know me more.. but I too hope to know you more.. I want to know about other people... I dunno why... is it because I want to know how they feel and think of me?

I thought last night, maybe I am ashamed of myself.. that's why I wanted to run away and rest and take time off.. like the mask is falling... so I msut take time off to paint it so that the mask will not be spoilt and I can continue to be the nice person other people see.. I dunno why...

I am only nice to people in church... I feel a distance between my friends... actually a whole lot of distances between people I know... and these few days.. I just feel a sense of loneliness... like there's a huge gap between this side and the other side... where this side is made of me.. and the other side is of people whom I know.. but can't help feeling that there's a gap between us... is it because I was unloved? but I was loved... by my parents... (mind knowledge but not heart knowledge.. except for my dad) heart knowledge? or mind knowledge is better?

but the heart is a deceiving device.. it gives away emotions without thought and confuses the mind... Just hungry for fellowship... but yet I want to run away... there's something wrong with me arh?