I am feeling lonely again... so lonely and sad tht I feel there's no one else in the world that truly understands me... actually there isn't... to think that there is... is really deceiving myself... I think it's kinda funny... there are those who know I am lonely... yet do nothing about it... those who do not know... re surprised when they realise it... how can my family be there yet not there? how can it be? yet am I the same? am I there and yet not there? here and yet not here? seen but not seeing... heard but not hearing? I guess I am... that's why I am lonely...

i used to think that I am the bringer of all bad news... that bad things happen when I am around... I still do... nothing seems to change that... ll the things that I get involved in... always get worse and things become bad with me around... I grew up thinking that... perhps it's lies... perhaps... but it seemed like the truth to me...

i dunno why I feel so unloved... but I realised today that knowing I am loved is not the same as feeling loved... perhaps that's why I always start liking other people and hoping they will reciprocate... but the hert is a deceiving device... it threatens to tear down restrains set by the mind... woe to me... if I break my word... it always seem as though the people you like dun like you and the people you dun do... but I know that I probably won't find anyone to share my life with if I remain like this... no point... cause i would never believe that I am good enough...

just like the past few days.. I started asking God again... why do you love me so? Why give your life for such a worthless person like me? why? yet today's BS was on fatherhood.. I cried during bs.. nearer to the end... cause it's like "you are valuable in God's sight"... I never thought I would worth or come up to anything... yet today... father's day weekend, when pastor said... ask God to be your Daddy God... I cried... so long I searched for someone to love me so...

I used to say... I want to have security in life... my son and I had a conversation and I said I would like to be the damsel in distress... he laughed... asked me why I want to be so helpless... but then as the damsel is in distress... there will be a hero tht comes to give security into her life... I long for it... hhhaha out of significance, self-worth and security... I have none... perhaps that's why I have been looking and searching for it for so long...

I remembered that once pastor said... we keep thinking that the nice guy is not right for us cause we think of ourselves low... and so... of course... when the wrong guy comes along, we think it's the right guy.. cause we think tht we are only good enough for that kind of wrong guy... so I guess I am like that... the only reason why I never got attached was cause i never made any move...

kinda funny right? that a person who only feels sad and angry can feel attraction to other people... but I think it's because of the void already present that causes the attraction... I guess my life is weird... I m deficient... breking down....

we can live 40 days without food, 3 days without water, 8 minutes without oxygen and 1 second without hope.. that's why I am dying... inside... again..