not sure whether this is considered negative

time for some negtitivity hahahah just kidding... just wanna update on some things... just not sure whether they belong to this blog...

I have come to realise that in some way I am rather selfish... in a way, I kind like people showing affection or love to me like being nice and all... but i dislike it when they show all at one go... meaning when everyone be nice to you at the same time... it's kinda weird... its like I do like to be shown some ttention... but I dislike it when everyone shows me or pays me their attention... it's like being tugged at two sides... so in this way, since my birthday's coming... I dun want people to buy presents for me... hhhahaha... and in a way... they dun want to get the stuff from my wishlist... cause I think they think it's too sloppy a kind of present... and my son and future daughter-in-law wants to get me the yarn winder... which I tell them not to... cause it's a waste of their money... tht's how I feel... sigh.... so I guess I am kinda selfish...

My mom kinda realised or find out I am not very enthu about my party... cause I am waiting till the last minute to put the decor and also not wanting balloons... and not wanting the contact lens... anyway I think the shop is angry with me or rather my family.. cause I want the lens at such short notice and I want it asap and I only want 1 box of it... I think they are just being polite now because I am a customer... maybe at the backstage they are pulling their hair and trying their best not to strangle my dad...

I wonder what's a vision actually... cause I think I had 1... even if it's the shortest and faintest one... I aint even sure if it's not a fbrication of my imagination... sigh... woe you of little faith... sobs..

I was worshiping God or praising Him lst sat during service.. then suddenly I sw figure, from head down... his left hand was outstretched and beckoning me to follow him... I think or rather my first thought was Jesus calling out to me to follow Him.. today I read the bible and was thinking... mybe I have not given up everything to follow Him? mybe there are still some areas of my life tht I have not surrendered totally unto Him... I thought back to a conversation held last saturday... I think my ex-cgm was sort of counting the costs of following Jesus but his way of counting is faulty... it's flawed... I was thinking... somehow I dunno how to get closer to God leh... Pstor Casey Treat said.. he dunno how we can ask for more of the Holy Spirit when the Holy spirit is already with us... hmm yeah I guess I just want more of His presence.. truly one day in His house is better than a thousand days in the world...

my cgl laid hands on me last friday... he prayed for a new touch of God for me... which is what I wanted.. cool :) so I am waiting for the new touch of God... I am afraid that I keep my focus on artificial feelings and it's not good... what if I dun receive the real thing... sigh... unbelief... bad bad.. must renew my mind...

a display item

it's kinda hard to dampen the spirits of my parents... when they are so excited about the upcoming party.. actually almost all my friends are excited... what's there to be excited arh? errr... lol... my mom had a new request... for me to dress up and have a hair-do, buy contact lenses (which I think I had forgotten how to wear them) and put on make-up so that I would look pretty in the photos at the party... nuts...

though it's true that I want to tie and plait and braid my hair... but thts cause I like my hair... nd tht's the reason why I keep them long so tht I cn plait them on my birthdy... but I didn't want to dress up and put on make up... what's the use of wearing contacts nd drssing up if my heart's not pretty and not right? I dunno... quite frustrated about it... it's feeling like I m a play thing.. or disply object... on display just so that people can take photo of me... like some kind of barbie doll... or something... I said no I dun want.. but my mom insists... I don't want to care... she can have wathever she want... i am just a model on that day... errr there's no point in dressing up really... how weird... I am becoming the one thing I dislike most... Dolls... Sigh...

the issue of having parties

The reason why I started this blog.. is so tht I can write my negaitve feelings openly... especially so that my mom can reds it and give ms her feelings about it... I haven't tell her the addy yet though... I have been waiting till the day when I have a tidy amount of entries before I write and tell her bout the addy...

I often wondered... are birthday parties really for the person who's the birthday girl/guy or are they really for the people who wants to celebrate for them? i really dunno? I never want a birthday party.. I never want a big crowded parties and then invite all those people who are not close to me... why bother inviting people when they dun really matter in the first place? why invite people just because you cannot leave them out by just inviting some people from the group? and then spend those sms on them and spend more when they reply that they are not going? what's the point when you have a party but those that matter can't come? I feel like a complainer... which is what God don't like... i feel like Sandry... how can you say no to those who want to go overseas and can't stay for the party? I mean what's the point of telling me you wish to come and really want to come? in the first place.. you would want to go overseas right? what would you have me say? that I dun want you to go overseas and snorkel and scuba dive? when that's what I would want to do too... instead of coming down to boring chalet for a boring party held for a boring geek...

is it wrong to think for the feelings of other people? though it was true that the invitiation was made on an impulse but because of the fear that you would feel awkward and left out tht I ask if it's okay we celebrate another day? nope... that's what you say to me.. that you thought it was a pretty indecisive thing, so you ignored it... somewhere along the line I said I dun think it matters if I dun have a good time, (my meaning was that everyone else should have a good time) but you say then why celebrate it?

it felt like a slap in the face... you think I want? I didn't say... lol HAIZ... maybe like what you said, I really do think too much about pleasing everyone... but you know what? it's only because you aren't close to me that I worry... if it's YJ or YH or Serene, I won't care a hoot... cause I know they won't mind... they will understand... actually shouldn't it be an honour tht I care for your feelings? I dunno... maybe it's cause I dun even know you... okay then why do I invite you? I dunno... cause I felt guilty when I leave you out of the invitation list... I feel being treated very unfairly... you always do that to me... I dun understand.. why are your words always stuck with pointy sharp edges? wht's the point in saying you want to marry me when there's no similiarity between us? when all we ever do is bickle and I get hurt? i can't remember when mom said that I have to work on being more observant of how other people feel... but if it's you who said it... I feel as though isn't it you who should change?

I dun understand... the whole's made of imperfect people... i am too self-absorbed... right? i dun want the party... I truly dun want... who can understand? who? there's no one... truly no one... even if I say how I feel... who can understand me? people think it's a good thing to have a party... but it's like saying oh isn't it good you are getting married... but actually the person you are married is not the person you love? and the person doesn't love you? It's like even though it's good to have a party... but it's not what I want.. it's not when I want... it's not how I want... people say we can't always have what we want.. if not we will get spoilt.. yeah true... but at the expense of not feeling happy... what's the point? it's supposed to be the happiest day of your life... it's not... IT"S NOT!!!!

hhaha I am becoming a silly girl now... I dun know why I am supposed to do the mindfulness.. ooh yeah it's supposed to help me deal with my emotions... actually waht's the point in doing it? i have too mnay negative emotions to deal with tht mindfulness doesn't seem useful enough.. I dun feel rested... I dun feel rested enough from everyone... I feel overworked... when actually I have no worked much... I think it's a pyschological thing... that's why I m getting sick more often... that's why i am getting giddy more often... more cold more often... it's like my body is dying while I am still physically walking around... ctually why I complain so much? Alan didn't complain even though he serves us every week by getting the seats... he definitely didn't complain when his family is over worked... he is stressed by school work... why am I so immature? so lousy? so self-centered... My cgl is right... I dun feel worthy to serve people who are so nice, so servantiute... i yearn for a fresh touch of God... where are You? God... tell me what to do? I wan to be nice... but I can't... I face them then I feel familiar defenses coming up... am I to let my guard down now? and just get hurt again? who's then to mend my heart?