Sorrows... belong to me

The toilet, I must say... must surely belong to the spirit of sorrow

but today, I shed no more tears, though they come close to falling... i have told myself. dun feel anything... yes.. it's not the right way to handle my emotions, but I dun want to think about it anymore..

I know i know... in the future, when I have kids, I would have a mask of passivity in place and treat them with a lot of neglect and emotional neglect I must say... that's why i wish I die faster...

I must be walking on the wide path, straight down to darkness... hell... yeah I am afraid, terribly of the eternal torment that lies await... but I dun see the god that accompanies me still, dun see him loving me still... yeah yeah he's there... blah blah blah...

i have come close to insulting him and thus grieving the holy spirit.. one sin that would never be forgiven...

I have made more vows to myself, not to feel, not to cry, not to care anymore... I think this would not be forgiven as well... cause now I know we should not make them, yet I still do it..

I am angry with god first... then it progressed to disappointment, and now it has become nonchalant.. no point in all these...

angry with him cause I felt that what pastor said must be right... that my offerings to him were cursed.. that's how I felt at that time.. so i didn't offer any more money to him.. cause no matter what... they are cursed.. so what's the point?

why does god say this and do something else? hy does he say he love me then make me feel unloved? why does he say he will never forsake me but makes me feel so alone and lonely?

he doesn't say anything and doesn't mean anything...

that's my disillusions with god now...

perhaps there is more but who cares? what I said so far.. has made me more damnable than before...

when my heart hurts, nobody is near... he who say he knows how we feel, doesn't seem to care..
dun god care that we are suffering? hahaha

yeah he cares.. but where is he?
nowhere... he's missing... as he always is..

i dun want to see any church people I know.. though something in me wants company.. I dun want anything..

I remember we are to care for other people's lives then our lives will be built... i find myself telling betty about the job and then find myself without any energy to help her apply...

i find myself hurting still in places I dun know exist... and wish i would quickly die...

this thing with leo...
finally I wrote his name up here...

time will wash away all the hurt... which i brought upon me myself... it's just utter stupidity...

i am overwhelmed with jealousy, hurt, anger, envy... i hate myself actually...

I dislike people now, hate everyone... I dun trust anybody... though I say this, it's clear I do trust some people... but i still dislike everyone...