the stronghold tht I must break through

R talked to me yesterdy... it was an impactful 30 minutes conversation... his words are like aarrows, all directed to the bull's eye and it seemed that always when he talked to me.. it always seem as though he know wht is really affecting me in my life.

First we talked about the disbanding of my beloved second family... he said... No cg is permanent... if we think of it as permanent, then it would restrict the move and the work of the Holy Spirit in the cg and it would be hindering the multiplication of the cg. he told me about himself as well and then I felt that what he said really did make sense... and that if I am sad.. then all the more he had the right to be...

I told him that I am not sad anymore about the disband... but he said that i might be feeling alright now but the real test comes only when I am alone and down.. that's when the devil will try to attck me... he said that I am soft hearted... not hardened like other people... and that I must learn to be strong so that I can fight against the devil...

He said that it's good tht I know I must learn to regulate my emotions... cause if I realise later... then it would be more difficult to change... cause when I am older, I would be more set in my ways...

Through the 30 minutes we spent... mostly he talked... But it's very fruitful 30 minutes.. I just felt very touched that he was willing to spend 30 minutes and sacrifice his time for me....

He said that I must be rid of the pain in my life... that in 10 sessions of such 30 minute conversations... he say I cn be rid of the pain... I want to too... he say that it's in me to seek the treatment.. I agree

In the 30 minutes... he talked and say... if I was brought up in God-fearing way... then I would not have felt like that... he said maybe it's the way my parents brought me up, maybe it's because I dunno how to make friends.. maybe it's the way my family is...

those words struck me... cause I indeed dunno how to make friends... from primary school.. I only had 2 to 3 friends and those are cause they are my partner... (lining up in twos) and then I was always alone... since primary school and that went on to secondary... that's why I felt so lonely... I suddenly remembered... after he asked that question...

he said in the future, perhaps we can talk about why m I always treating people so nicely, with so much mercy (actually I didn't think I showed people much mercy anyway...) etc...

He said also that I should not be too upset if MJ never put W and I in the same cg... cause if we are real friends... then we should not be upset... becuse we will still see each other... in church and maybe outings etc... it's just that for the 1 hour and a half every week... during cg that we are not going to see one another... so why be sad... I guess it's true...

I talked to I today... and we were talking and suddenly he said that he is looking forward to cg this friday and that he wonder who would cry... he said that I would probably cry... I replied perhaps... then he say cry cry cry... (only know how to cry <-- actually I not sure whether he said this... but it reminded me of someone who used to scold me in that way) then I suddenly became very quiet.. actually I was hurt lah... but I didn't say anything... he thought I became very sian... and said dun be like that and asked me why.. I didn't say the reason but then it's okay lah.. I must become strong like what R said... so that one day I can do great works for God.

I just finished another 30 minutes session with R... it's a good session again... cause I really feel so much affirmed that God loves me so much... that He would indicate to R to talk to me about such issues... Today's topic is on Physical family while yesterday's spiritual family...

He talked to me about my family... particularly in the area of my relationship with my mom. he asked me why I dun like my mom (I told him I like my dad more)... is it because of the way she talk? sharp and unreasonable... demanding etc...I said yeah... she always said things that hurt me... like her tone could be kinda like cry cry cry only know how to cry that kind of words... (eh... actually I think i always associate emotions with certain words...) then R told me real-life cases of his member and also of his own parents.. and it made me think... true... can you imagine an absentee father? I dislike that... especially since from young I had little contact with my father... him being overseas for long periods... he would be away for like 6 months and only come home for a few weeks before having to go overseas again... (once my parents quarrelled... because of something... in the middle of the night, my mother started quarrelling with my dad and she wanted to end her life with my two brothers... I remained in my room in the dark trying to block out all the noise and shouts and the cries of my two brothers... they quarrelled very fiercely that night... I can still remember sitting on my bed and looking at the light streaming in from the gap under the door... my mother ran to the kitchen and opened the window and wanted to jump down with my two brothers... I didn't do nything... except sat on my bed and tried to shut out the noise... in my heart I guess I wanted to do something but I was scared) it never occurred to me that my mother also suffered in his absentism... that it must have been really hard for her to take care of 3 naughty little kids and thinking and educating us so tht we can have good grades... is it her fault that her husband was not by her side... not even physically by her side? she must have been really lonely... and here I m... not understnding her feelings... in this way, I guess our whole family has become alienated from one another... and we grew up in this way... not knowing how to show our love for one another... being alienated... set in our own lifes and coming home thinking tht there is no love here... Then I should start doing something to change all this... I guess it's responsibilities and that I am afraid to take them... but I have to... cause I care and want to love my family even more and I also want them to be saved.

he told me about his member and his mother... and I felt so sad for them... for this two days... I keep feeling like I should give R a hug... cause he has been through so much... he said too that it's no point being filial when someone dies... especially cause we only have 1 life each... and that we should love our parents... not be spiritual and say yes we love everyone with the love of God... but that I should take action to bring my family close to one another again... he said that the breakthrough through little actions might not be a km but it is still a breakthrough.. that because I said my family is not close, then I should tke the effort to go do it... to make everyone of us closer again... to want to spend time and to serve them..

he said.. I might think that why is it always me who has to serve them, why is it always me who have to wash their feet.. but the truth is... the person must be us... cause we have Jesus within us... we are empowered to do so... so we have to do it... even though the weight of the family lies upon our shoulders but then we still have to do it... he say that I must really pray very hard for it... and God will give me wisdom... he said that wisdom is important.. the bible says that God said that without wisdom, His people perish... so I must pray hard that God will give me the strength and the wisdom to change my family... I must learn to accept my mom for who she is... but I must not let it stay that way... i must keep praying to God and that He will give me ideas as to what to do to bring the family close to one another again. It's like perhaps I have been praying... then in the week.. on 1 day.. God will give me an idea as to what to do to show my love for my family and to do something tht will bring us closer...

I must learn to love my mom more... maybe bring her to places she want to go etc... or planning things that will bond the family together even more...

At the end, I felt a little uncertain... but he said that it's not wrong to be uncertain... it's not right also... but that's because we are just normal... BUT we must not remain uncertain... we must not let uncertainty and unbelief rule our hearts... cause we have a God that's more powerful than anyone or anything in the whole universe and that nothing is impossible with God... so we must always say that we have faith in God and to proclaim the word of God and it will come to pass (something like that)... everyday we must proclaim the word of God for then when we confess it... it will come to pass (my own input) i feel that it's very true... I dun want my parents and brothers to remain lost. I want them to be saved.. I want to really be an instrument of God's and I want His will to be done in my life... not mine... I want to be obedient... I shall follow and do what He wants me to do... right now, I am just very thankful and grateful that God loves me so...

I am feeling lonely again... so lonely and sad tht I feel there's no one else in the world that truly understands me... actually there isn't... to think that there is... is really deceiving myself... I think it's kinda funny... there are those who know I am lonely... yet do nothing about it... those who do not know... re surprised when they realise it... how can my family be there yet not there? how can it be? yet am I the same? am I there and yet not there? here and yet not here? seen but not seeing... heard but not hearing? I guess I am... that's why I am lonely...

i used to think that I am the bringer of all bad news... that bad things happen when I am around... I still do... nothing seems to change that... ll the things that I get involved in... always get worse and things become bad with me around... I grew up thinking that... perhps it's lies... perhaps... but it seemed like the truth to me...

i dunno why I feel so unloved... but I realised today that knowing I am loved is not the same as feeling loved... perhaps that's why I always start liking other people and hoping they will reciprocate... but the hert is a deceiving device... it threatens to tear down restrains set by the mind... woe to me... if I break my word... it always seem as though the people you like dun like you and the people you dun do... but I know that I probably won't find anyone to share my life with if I remain like this... no point... cause i would never believe that I am good enough...

just like the past few days.. I started asking God again... why do you love me so? Why give your life for such a worthless person like me? why? yet today's BS was on fatherhood.. I cried during bs.. nearer to the end... cause it's like "you are valuable in God's sight"... I never thought I would worth or come up to anything... yet today... father's day weekend, when pastor said... ask God to be your Daddy God... I cried... so long I searched for someone to love me so...

I used to say... I want to have security in life... my son and I had a conversation and I said I would like to be the damsel in distress... he laughed... asked me why I want to be so helpless... but then as the damsel is in distress... there will be a hero tht comes to give security into her life... I long for it... hhhaha out of significance, self-worth and security... I have none... perhaps that's why I have been looking and searching for it for so long...

I remembered that once pastor said... we keep thinking that the nice guy is not right for us cause we think of ourselves low... and so... of course... when the wrong guy comes along, we think it's the right guy.. cause we think tht we are only good enough for that kind of wrong guy... so I guess I am like that... the only reason why I never got attached was cause i never made any move...

kinda funny right? that a person who only feels sad and angry can feel attraction to other people... but I think it's because of the void already present that causes the attraction... I guess my life is weird... I m deficient... breking down....

we can live 40 days without food, 3 days without water, 8 minutes without oxygen and 1 second without hope.. that's why I am dying... inside... again..

A person of infinite worth

Lately, I was quite troubled.. cause my cg appreciated me... I know... it should be something you should be glad of... but I wasn't.. I was overwhelmed by it... I dunno how to react to it... too much... my family never do that to me...

Actually... I felt very down lately... cause I was troubled.. about my vow and my emotions... I thought back... I really wanted to just sit at my master's feet and listen to Him speak... I really want to dwell in His presence... away from people who get in the way of me trying to seek after Him... There's so much to do... like wht Pastor Phil would do, he would get up and start confessing tht God is his strength... I wanna do that too.. but it's so hard... I get distracted...

I felt very worried... scared that I would waste R's money... already, the left eyebrow seemed out of trim... I tried already.. it's just that I can't stare at my eyebrow with my right eye for more than a few seconds.. if not everything will start blurring into reddish brown... dunno how I am going to manage... I kept thinking whether I have wasted his money...

I kept thinking why the cg think I am so nice... actually I am a selfish person... I only treat them nice cause it's what we should do... but I need time for myself too... when I shared my testimonies last week.. I thought it sounded weird and fake.. cause Mj was looking at me weirdly when I said the cg's my family... I did ask him to talk to the cg about the problems in the cg, and I am truly glad he did.. but then I didn't expect everyone or rather almost everyone to appreciate me... it's overwhelming cause I don't know how to react to it... do I smile? or cry? I normally cry or smile when I am told to... something in me will tell me whether I should cry, whether I should feel something.. in other words, I am almost a machine... just that I am flash and blood but devoid of emotions...

If the cg only know how selfish I am, how I want to keep away from them to spend time by myself... I am in true, a loner.. I just want to be by myself sometimes... I can't stand close contct some times.. yet I yearn too for close relationships, where I get to know other people and stuff... mom you say that you hope to know me more.. but I too hope to know you more.. I want to know about other people... I dunno why... is it because I want to know how they feel and think of me?

I thought last night, maybe I am ashamed of myself.. that's why I wanted to run away and rest and take time off.. like the mask is falling... so I msut take time off to paint it so that the mask will not be spoilt and I can continue to be the nice person other people see.. I dunno why...

I am only nice to people in church... I feel a distance between my friends... actually a whole lot of distances between people I know... and these few days.. I just feel a sense of loneliness... like there's a huge gap between this side and the other side... where this side is made of me.. and the other side is of people whom I know.. but can't help feeling that there's a gap between us... is it because I was unloved? but I was loved... by my parents... (mind knowledge but not heart knowledge.. except for my dad) heart knowledge? or mind knowledge is better?

but the heart is a deceiving device.. it gives away emotions without thought and confuses the mind... Just hungry for fellowship... but yet I want to run away... there's something wrong with me arh?