Today, I felt hurt? Upset? I don’t know. Just negative feelings flooding into my heart…
I thought back at what transpired and decided that I don’t know whether I am at fault.
Is it wrong to say that I want to go for another service in order to not be rushing around for the other stuff that I had in the evening? Is it because it seems to show that I dun care for the schedule or the order the church has put in place? Or is it that sitting with the cg is so important that I can’t take a break from having to rush the whole day through?
Actually, throughout the whole journey home, however hard I try not to think about it, those thoughts just kept coming back. I thought of how and what other people would think:
1) V would think that how come I so long as a Christian, still say and make such foolish/ childish/ weird decision, (which is what I think bro MJ would also think)
I said that reason cause it was the first thing that came into my mind… But thinking again, I probably won’t really do much studying in the short period from 12 to 6 pm on Saturday…
2) Then people would think why is it that I never manage my time well.
Yes that’s one of my failings. I know it myself but I dun think I would like people to retell me what it is that I am not doing correctly… Maybe it’s the pride in me…
One on off, I keep thinking about what others would think, then I try to defend how they would think, then in the end, makes me a very upset person at the end of the day…
Then things get bottled up inside, it would become an anger without enthusiasm and in turn turn into depression… which is not what I want…
3) Then people would think, why can’t or didn’t I share my problems with others?
Cause frankly speaking, I realized that our life, at the end, is a lonesome life. There’s really no one who really want to listen to your problems or how you feel. I know, people tell me to tell them my problems or that I should learn how to… but is there any use for that? It’s just a polite and clique way of saying that yes I would be there to listen to your troubles and problems if ever you need me. But in this world, how many people really want to? Because of the fact that they are required to love, because of the fact that they should love, then do they take the time out to listen to you… or is it because I no longer trust any one or have faith that there is someone who really care… Maybe I am just being childish…
Sometimes I get tired, why put those words to label what I do? Why say that I have put in hard work or say that I have tried my best? When the world doesn’t see it so? Why try so hard to console and comfort a person who totally doesn’t believe in herself? I can’t see why anyone in the world would truly care for someone totally different from himself or herself.
Sometimes I get tired. Why label our actions as ministry to others, why label them as volunteering? Why label our emotions as I care, I believe, I trust? When they are just plain words… sometimes I get tired, cause what I want to say, doesn’t seem to be heard by others… in these cases, the only way to express myself is not to express at all… Sometimes I get tired… Why term our actions as caring when there just doesn’t seem to be any care at all? Or perhaps it because I am too reliant on others for my own welfare and happiness? Or is it because I am just too immature?
I get tired these days… and angry. Not really when things dun go the way I want… I get angry when I dun get things done properly… sort of. I get angry at people who says I will do this… but in the end doesn’t… maybe that is how I really am and now I am just getting what I deserve. I get tired of having to face people I dun feel like facing, people I dun feel like talking to… but if the world works around doing things by Feeling, no work would get done at all… I get angry when I listen too much of what other people has to say about their problems… I get irritated cause I feel they are immature… I feel upset cause I feel they are just whining and complaining and don’t seem to grow up… Maybe cause I am also like this and am suffering these fruits that I deserve.
God says to let go, I already forgave and let go… but I still feel hurt and wounded whenever the thoughts come up… I dun understand why… God where is my healing? Have you forsaken me? And forgotten me? Why is it that I am still not healed? Or is it that the wounds are too deep?
I hate being rejected. Why?
1) Cause I never felt loved in the past by my parents
2) Cause I was rejected and abandoned by my very best friend in the past
3) Cause I had to grow up and fend for myself in a weird way such that I am continually trying to hold on to the childhood that I feel I never had
4) Cause I never had anybody who cared enough to listen to how I feel and think in the past
And what are the consequences?
1) I dun want to grow up
2) I dun want to make decisions
Yet all these will cause people to leave me and go…
How come Lord? Why is my life filled with so much hurts? Of course there are other people with more hurts than me. But why then is it that mine doesn’t seem to heal quickly enough? Why must I suffer the lies that other people have made at the expense of my heart? I am not strong lord; I dun have a heart that will not break under such situations. I dun have a heart that will like rubber spring back into action, as new as before…
I of course, I guess am hurt by the way people talk in sarcasm at me right now. Though I can’t remember if V did say that remark in sarcasm… but to me, I just feel that it’s like rejecting me all over again cause in my mind I would wonder if what I did was truly wrong…
What’s so wrong about it? What’s so wrong about not going to church with the cg? I don’t know… anyway… I got another 2 weeks to calm down. Loll… I am sick and tired of having to rush about every Saturday… I want to rest… where has my rest all gone? I am tired of having to rush here and there, for birthday parties after church cause I feel very tired… I wake up in the morning and then I return home only like 10 plus or 11 plus… it just feels like going to school, Monday to Friday… especially when I have lab or something. I tire now of having outings and stuff… I just want to stay at home… what’s wrong with that? Okay… of course there’s something wrong…
1) I wish to reach out to people, but I never reach out
2) I wish to care and love more but I never do
3) I wish to make a difference in other people’s lives but at the end, the only difference I make is just being the backdrop of the whole event and everything about me is just a fiasco.
So my whole life is a fake… a fraud, useless, worthless… lol… to love others, we must first love ourselves.. yes I dun love myself… how.. dunno how… but I do know something. That I dun understand why God created me. Why me? Why can’t He create someone more useful to him… right? Right…
To gain knowledge, we must first admit we do not know everything
To gain healing, we must first admit we have a need.
To gain love, we must first love others
And to gain hope, we must first believe.
I thought back at what transpired and decided that I don’t know whether I am at fault.
Is it wrong to say that I want to go for another service in order to not be rushing around for the other stuff that I had in the evening? Is it because it seems to show that I dun care for the schedule or the order the church has put in place? Or is it that sitting with the cg is so important that I can’t take a break from having to rush the whole day through?
Actually, throughout the whole journey home, however hard I try not to think about it, those thoughts just kept coming back. I thought of how and what other people would think:
1) V would think that how come I so long as a Christian, still say and make such foolish/ childish/ weird decision, (which is what I think bro MJ would also think)
I said that reason cause it was the first thing that came into my mind… But thinking again, I probably won’t really do much studying in the short period from 12 to 6 pm on Saturday…
2) Then people would think why is it that I never manage my time well.
Yes that’s one of my failings. I know it myself but I dun think I would like people to retell me what it is that I am not doing correctly… Maybe it’s the pride in me…
One on off, I keep thinking about what others would think, then I try to defend how they would think, then in the end, makes me a very upset person at the end of the day…
Then things get bottled up inside, it would become an anger without enthusiasm and in turn turn into depression… which is not what I want…
3) Then people would think, why can’t or didn’t I share my problems with others?
Cause frankly speaking, I realized that our life, at the end, is a lonesome life. There’s really no one who really want to listen to your problems or how you feel. I know, people tell me to tell them my problems or that I should learn how to… but is there any use for that? It’s just a polite and clique way of saying that yes I would be there to listen to your troubles and problems if ever you need me. But in this world, how many people really want to? Because of the fact that they are required to love, because of the fact that they should love, then do they take the time out to listen to you… or is it because I no longer trust any one or have faith that there is someone who really care… Maybe I am just being childish…
Sometimes I get tired, why put those words to label what I do? Why say that I have put in hard work or say that I have tried my best? When the world doesn’t see it so? Why try so hard to console and comfort a person who totally doesn’t believe in herself? I can’t see why anyone in the world would truly care for someone totally different from himself or herself.
Sometimes I get tired. Why label our actions as ministry to others, why label them as volunteering? Why label our emotions as I care, I believe, I trust? When they are just plain words… sometimes I get tired, cause what I want to say, doesn’t seem to be heard by others… in these cases, the only way to express myself is not to express at all… Sometimes I get tired… Why term our actions as caring when there just doesn’t seem to be any care at all? Or perhaps it because I am too reliant on others for my own welfare and happiness? Or is it because I am just too immature?
I get tired these days… and angry. Not really when things dun go the way I want… I get angry when I dun get things done properly… sort of. I get angry at people who says I will do this… but in the end doesn’t… maybe that is how I really am and now I am just getting what I deserve. I get tired of having to face people I dun feel like facing, people I dun feel like talking to… but if the world works around doing things by Feeling, no work would get done at all… I get angry when I listen too much of what other people has to say about their problems… I get irritated cause I feel they are immature… I feel upset cause I feel they are just whining and complaining and don’t seem to grow up… Maybe cause I am also like this and am suffering these fruits that I deserve.
God says to let go, I already forgave and let go… but I still feel hurt and wounded whenever the thoughts come up… I dun understand why… God where is my healing? Have you forsaken me? And forgotten me? Why is it that I am still not healed? Or is it that the wounds are too deep?
I hate being rejected. Why?
1) Cause I never felt loved in the past by my parents
2) Cause I was rejected and abandoned by my very best friend in the past
3) Cause I had to grow up and fend for myself in a weird way such that I am continually trying to hold on to the childhood that I feel I never had
4) Cause I never had anybody who cared enough to listen to how I feel and think in the past
And what are the consequences?
1) I dun want to grow up
2) I dun want to make decisions
Yet all these will cause people to leave me and go…
How come Lord? Why is my life filled with so much hurts? Of course there are other people with more hurts than me. But why then is it that mine doesn’t seem to heal quickly enough? Why must I suffer the lies that other people have made at the expense of my heart? I am not strong lord; I dun have a heart that will not break under such situations. I dun have a heart that will like rubber spring back into action, as new as before…
I of course, I guess am hurt by the way people talk in sarcasm at me right now. Though I can’t remember if V did say that remark in sarcasm… but to me, I just feel that it’s like rejecting me all over again cause in my mind I would wonder if what I did was truly wrong…
What’s so wrong about it? What’s so wrong about not going to church with the cg? I don’t know… anyway… I got another 2 weeks to calm down. Loll… I am sick and tired of having to rush about every Saturday… I want to rest… where has my rest all gone? I am tired of having to rush here and there, for birthday parties after church cause I feel very tired… I wake up in the morning and then I return home only like 10 plus or 11 plus… it just feels like going to school, Monday to Friday… especially when I have lab or something. I tire now of having outings and stuff… I just want to stay at home… what’s wrong with that? Okay… of course there’s something wrong…
1) I wish to reach out to people, but I never reach out
2) I wish to care and love more but I never do
3) I wish to make a difference in other people’s lives but at the end, the only difference I make is just being the backdrop of the whole event and everything about me is just a fiasco.
So my whole life is a fake… a fraud, useless, worthless… lol… to love others, we must first love ourselves.. yes I dun love myself… how.. dunno how… but I do know something. That I dun understand why God created me. Why me? Why can’t He create someone more useful to him… right? Right…
To gain knowledge, we must first admit we do not know everything
To gain healing, we must first admit we have a need.
To gain love, we must first love others
And to gain hope, we must first believe.
posted by didi at
3:41:00 AM
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