Sunday, December 02, 2007

Sorrows... belong to me

The toilet, I must say... must surely belong to the spirit of sorrow

but today, I shed no more tears, though they come close to falling... i have told myself. dun feel anything... yes.. it's not the right way to handle my emotions, but I dun want to think about it anymore..

I know i know... in the future, when I have kids, I would have a mask of passivity in place and treat them with a lot of neglect and emotional neglect I must say... that's why i wish I die faster...

I must be walking on the wide path, straight down to darkness... hell... yeah I am afraid, terribly of the eternal torment that lies await... but I dun see the god that accompanies me still, dun see him loving me still... yeah yeah he's there... blah blah blah...

i have come close to insulting him and thus grieving the holy spirit.. one sin that would never be forgiven...

I have made more vows to myself, not to feel, not to cry, not to care anymore... I think this would not be forgiven as well... cause now I know we should not make them, yet I still do it..

I am angry with god first... then it progressed to disappointment, and now it has become nonchalant.. no point in all these...

angry with him cause I felt that what pastor said must be right... that my offerings to him were cursed.. that's how I felt at that time.. so i didn't offer any more money to him.. cause no matter what... they are cursed.. so what's the point?

why does god say this and do something else? hy does he say he love me then make me feel unloved? why does he say he will never forsake me but makes me feel so alone and lonely?

he doesn't say anything and doesn't mean anything...

that's my disillusions with god now...

perhaps there is more but who cares? what I said so far.. has made me more damnable than before...

when my heart hurts, nobody is near... he who say he knows how we feel, doesn't seem to care..
dun god care that we are suffering? hahaha

yeah he cares.. but where is he?
nowhere... he's missing... as he always is..

i dun want to see any church people I know.. though something in me wants company.. I dun want anything..

I remember we are to care for other people's lives then our lives will be built... i find myself telling betty about the job and then find myself without any energy to help her apply...

i find myself hurting still in places I dun know exist... and wish i would quickly die...

this thing with leo...
finally I wrote his name up here...

time will wash away all the hurt... which i brought upon me myself... it's just utter stupidity...

i am overwhelmed with jealousy, hurt, anger, envy... i hate myself actually...

I dislike people now, hate everyone... I dun trust anybody... though I say this, it's clear I do trust some people... but i still dislike everyone...

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Today, I felt hurt? Upset? I don’t know. Just negative feelings flooding into my heart…

I thought back at what transpired and decided that I don’t know whether I am at fault.

Is it wrong to say that I want to go for another service in order to not be rushing around for the other stuff that I had in the evening? Is it because it seems to show that I dun care for the schedule or the order the church has put in place? Or is it that sitting with the cg is so important that I can’t take a break from having to rush the whole day through?

Actually, throughout the whole journey home, however hard I try not to think about it, those thoughts just kept coming back. I thought of how and what other people would think:

1) V would think that how come I so long as a Christian, still say and make such foolish/ childish/ weird decision, (which is what I think bro MJ would also think)

I said that reason cause it was the first thing that came into my mind… But thinking again, I probably won’t really do much studying in the short period from 12 to 6 pm on Saturday…

2) Then people would think why is it that I never manage my time well.

Yes that’s one of my failings. I know it myself but I dun think I would like people to retell me what it is that I am not doing correctly… Maybe it’s the pride in me…

One on off, I keep thinking about what others would think, then I try to defend how they would think, then in the end, makes me a very upset person at the end of the day…

Then things get bottled up inside, it would become an anger without enthusiasm and in turn turn into depression… which is not what I want…

3) Then people would think, why can’t or didn’t I share my problems with others?

Cause frankly speaking, I realized that our life, at the end, is a lonesome life. There’s really no one who really want to listen to your problems or how you feel. I know, people tell me to tell them my problems or that I should learn how to… but is there any use for that? It’s just a polite and clique way of saying that yes I would be there to listen to your troubles and problems if ever you need me. But in this world, how many people really want to? Because of the fact that they are required to love, because of the fact that they should love, then do they take the time out to listen to you… or is it because I no longer trust any one or have faith that there is someone who really care… Maybe I am just being childish…

Sometimes I get tired, why put those words to label what I do? Why say that I have put in hard work or say that I have tried my best? When the world doesn’t see it so? Why try so hard to console and comfort a person who totally doesn’t believe in herself? I can’t see why anyone in the world would truly care for someone totally different from himself or herself.

Sometimes I get tired. Why label our actions as ministry to others, why label them as volunteering? Why label our emotions as I care, I believe, I trust? When they are just plain words… sometimes I get tired, cause what I want to say, doesn’t seem to be heard by others… in these cases, the only way to express myself is not to express at all… Sometimes I get tired… Why term our actions as caring when there just doesn’t seem to be any care at all? Or perhaps it because I am too reliant on others for my own welfare and happiness? Or is it because I am just too immature?

I get tired these days… and angry. Not really when things dun go the way I want… I get angry when I dun get things done properly… sort of. I get angry at people who says I will do this… but in the end doesn’t… maybe that is how I really am and now I am just getting what I deserve. I get tired of having to face people I dun feel like facing, people I dun feel like talking to… but if the world works around doing things by Feeling, no work would get done at all… I get angry when I listen too much of what other people has to say about their problems… I get irritated cause I feel they are immature… I feel upset cause I feel they are just whining and complaining and don’t seem to grow up… Maybe cause I am also like this and am suffering these fruits that I deserve.

God says to let go, I already forgave and let go… but I still feel hurt and wounded whenever the thoughts come up… I dun understand why… God where is my healing? Have you forsaken me? And forgotten me? Why is it that I am still not healed? Or is it that the wounds are too deep?

I hate being rejected. Why?

1) Cause I never felt loved in the past by my parents
2) Cause I was rejected and abandoned by my very best friend in the past
3) Cause I had to grow up and fend for myself in a weird way such that I am continually trying to hold on to the childhood that I feel I never had
4) Cause I never had anybody who cared enough to listen to how I feel and think in the past

And what are the consequences?

1) I dun want to grow up
2) I dun want to make decisions

Yet all these will cause people to leave me and go…

How come Lord? Why is my life filled with so much hurts? Of course there are other people with more hurts than me. But why then is it that mine doesn’t seem to heal quickly enough? Why must I suffer the lies that other people have made at the expense of my heart? I am not strong lord; I dun have a heart that will not break under such situations. I dun have a heart that will like rubber spring back into action, as new as before…

I of course, I guess am hurt by the way people talk in sarcasm at me right now. Though I can’t remember if V did say that remark in sarcasm… but to me, I just feel that it’s like rejecting me all over again cause in my mind I would wonder if what I did was truly wrong…

What’s so wrong about it? What’s so wrong about not going to church with the cg? I don’t know… anyway… I got another 2 weeks to calm down. Loll… I am sick and tired of having to rush about every Saturday… I want to rest… where has my rest all gone? I am tired of having to rush here and there, for birthday parties after church cause I feel very tired… I wake up in the morning and then I return home only like 10 plus or 11 plus… it just feels like going to school, Monday to Friday… especially when I have lab or something. I tire now of having outings and stuff… I just want to stay at home… what’s wrong with that? Okay… of course there’s something wrong…

1) I wish to reach out to people, but I never reach out
2) I wish to care and love more but I never do
3) I wish to make a difference in other people’s lives but at the end, the only difference I make is just being the backdrop of the whole event and everything about me is just a fiasco.

So my whole life is a fake… a fraud, useless, worthless… lol… to love others, we must first love ourselves.. yes I dun love myself… how.. dunno how… but I do know something. That I dun understand why God created me. Why me? Why can’t He create someone more useful to him… right? Right…

To gain knowledge, we must first admit we do not know everything
To gain healing, we must first admit we have a need.
To gain love, we must first love others
And to gain hope, we must first believe.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I feel troubled… burdened… I do not have a kind heart… none that goes around helping people, none that goes round donating money to those people carrying tin cans and none to those people who ask for $10 to buy a handmade key chain, made by orphans…

I feel a burden to do something for my friends, to treat them nice and with love… yet I found that I do not and have not the strength to continue. I no longer want to smile, for the sake of making people happy… I no longer want to be nice, for the sake that people will like me… cause there’s no longer anybody that will remain beside me… there’s no such thing as friendship forever… no such things as forever in this world… I only have Jesus. Only have God… yet I dun feel His presence… I feel lost, alone. More than ever… I feel that everyone has left me alone and let me just be… I dun noe how to differentiate between being dependent on people or just wanting to be with somebody who understand me…

Recently, I find that there’s now an unimaginably tall wall between my friends and me… like those where there’s no even loops holes or places where you can scale to get to each other… I feel isolated… I feel that how come everyone will neglect me? How come everyone will just leave me aside? Why is it that I always have to face with this kind of rejection? Why? Why me? Why make me face all these? I feel alone… cause I dun sense God around me… I feel as though He’s just watching, looking at what I will do next… which doesn’t make sense to me… cause He’s the only one who understand, the only one who cares. The only one who won’t neglect me, who won’t forget me, who won’t abandon me… yet why aren’t I feeling your presence around me Lord? Why?

Is this called self-pity? Is this? Then I must have been in this pool all my life… I dun want to be long suffering anymore… I dun want… I find myself unable to be… I get angry, I get upset… I get frustrated… I dun see why I should stand how other people treat me… Yet Jesus did… Jesus did…

Perhaps I could have done something more, but I realized there’s no use now… Should I pray for restoration? I dun see the point… I feel bitterness welling or rather stalking below my very skin… making me into some kind of hideous monster… I dislike everything… everyone… especially those who reject me… I feel as though I want to take revenge… lol.. what to do? If this evil side does comes up… would anyone know me by then?

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

the stronghold tht I must break through

R talked to me yesterdy... it was an impactful 30 minutes conversation... his words are like aarrows, all directed to the bull's eye and it seemed that always when he talked to me.. it always seem as though he know wht is really affecting me in my life.

First we talked about the disbanding of my beloved second family... he said... No cg is permanent... if we think of it as permanent, then it would restrict the move and the work of the Holy Spirit in the cg and it would be hindering the multiplication of the cg. he told me about himself as well and then I felt that what he said really did make sense... and that if I am sad.. then all the more he had the right to be...

I told him that I am not sad anymore about the disband... but he said that i might be feeling alright now but the real test comes only when I am alone and down.. that's when the devil will try to attck me... he said that I am soft hearted... not hardened like other people... and that I must learn to be strong so that I can fight against the devil...

He said that it's good tht I know I must learn to regulate my emotions... cause if I realise later... then it would be more difficult to change... cause when I am older, I would be more set in my ways...

Through the 30 minutes we spent... mostly he talked... But it's very fruitful 30 minutes.. I just felt very touched that he was willing to spend 30 minutes and sacrifice his time for me....

He said that I must be rid of the pain in my life... that in 10 sessions of such 30 minute conversations... he say I cn be rid of the pain... I want to too... he say that it's in me to seek the treatment.. I agree

In the 30 minutes... he talked and say... if I was brought up in God-fearing way... then I would not have felt like that... he said maybe it's the way my parents brought me up, maybe it's because I dunno how to make friends.. maybe it's the way my family is...

those words struck me... cause I indeed dunno how to make friends... from primary school.. I only had 2 to 3 friends and those are cause they are my partner... (lining up in twos) and then I was always alone... since primary school and that went on to secondary... that's why I felt so lonely... I suddenly remembered... after he asked that question...

he said in the future, perhaps we can talk about why m I always treating people so nicely, with so much mercy (actually I didn't think I showed people much mercy anyway...) etc...

He said also that I should not be too upset if MJ never put W and I in the same cg... cause if we are real friends... then we should not be upset... becuse we will still see each other... in church and maybe outings etc... it's just that for the 1 hour and a half every week... during cg that we are not going to see one another... so why be sad... I guess it's true...

I talked to I today... and we were talking and suddenly he said that he is looking forward to cg this friday and that he wonder who would cry... he said that I would probably cry... I replied perhaps... then he say cry cry cry... (only know how to cry <-- actually I not sure whether he said this... but it reminded me of someone who used to scold me in that way) then I suddenly became very quiet.. actually I was hurt lah... but I didn't say anything... he thought I became very sian... and said dun be like that and asked me why.. I didn't say the reason but then it's okay lah.. I must become strong like what R said... so that one day I can do great works for God.

I just finished another 30 minutes session with R... it's a good session again... cause I really feel so much affirmed that God loves me so much... that He would indicate to R to talk to me about such issues... Today's topic is on Physical family while yesterday's spiritual family...

He talked to me about my family... particularly in the area of my relationship with my mom. he asked me why I dun like my mom (I told him I like my dad more)... is it because of the way she talk? sharp and unreasonable... demanding etc...I said yeah... she always said things that hurt me... like her tone could be kinda like cry cry cry only know how to cry that kind of words... (eh... actually I think i always associate emotions with certain words...) then R told me real-life cases of his member and also of his own parents.. and it made me think... true... can you imagine an absentee father? I dislike that... especially since from young I had little contact with my father... him being overseas for long periods... he would be away for like 6 months and only come home for a few weeks before having to go overseas again... (once my parents quarrelled... because of something... in the middle of the night, my mother started quarrelling with my dad and she wanted to end her life with my two brothers... I remained in my room in the dark trying to block out all the noise and shouts and the cries of my two brothers... they quarrelled very fiercely that night... I can still remember sitting on my bed and looking at the light streaming in from the gap under the door... my mother ran to the kitchen and opened the window and wanted to jump down with my two brothers... I didn't do nything... except sat on my bed and tried to shut out the noise... in my heart I guess I wanted to do something but I was scared) it never occurred to me that my mother also suffered in his absentism... that it must have been really hard for her to take care of 3 naughty little kids and thinking and educating us so tht we can have good grades... is it her fault that her husband was not by her side... not even physically by her side? she must have been really lonely... and here I m... not understnding her feelings... in this way, I guess our whole family has become alienated from one another... and we grew up in this way... not knowing how to show our love for one another... being alienated... set in our own lifes and coming home thinking tht there is no love here... Then I should start doing something to change all this... I guess it's responsibilities and that I am afraid to take them... but I have to... cause I care and want to love my family even more and I also want them to be saved.

he told me about his member and his mother... and I felt so sad for them... for this two days... I keep feeling like I should give R a hug... cause he has been through so much... he said too that it's no point being filial when someone dies... especially cause we only have 1 life each... and that we should love our parents... not be spiritual and say yes we love everyone with the love of God... but that I should take action to bring my family close to one another again... he said that the breakthrough through little actions might not be a km but it is still a breakthrough.. that because I said my family is not close, then I should tke the effort to go do it... to make everyone of us closer again... to want to spend time and to serve them..

he said.. I might think that why is it always me who has to serve them, why is it always me who have to wash their feet.. but the truth is... the person must be us... cause we have Jesus within us... we are empowered to do so... so we have to do it... even though the weight of the family lies upon our shoulders but then we still have to do it... he say that I must really pray very hard for it... and God will give me wisdom... he said that wisdom is important.. the bible says that God said that without wisdom, His people perish... so I must pray hard that God will give me the strength and the wisdom to change my family... I must learn to accept my mom for who she is... but I must not let it stay that way... i must keep praying to God and that He will give me ideas as to what to do to bring the family close to one another again. It's like perhaps I have been praying... then in the week.. on 1 day.. God will give me an idea as to what to do to show my love for my family and to do something tht will bring us closer...

I must learn to love my mom more... maybe bring her to places she want to go etc... or planning things that will bond the family together even more...

At the end, I felt a little uncertain... but he said that it's not wrong to be uncertain... it's not right also... but that's because we are just normal... BUT we must not remain uncertain... we must not let uncertainty and unbelief rule our hearts... cause we have a God that's more powerful than anyone or anything in the whole universe and that nothing is impossible with God... so we must always say that we have faith in God and to proclaim the word of God and it will come to pass (something like that)... everyday we must proclaim the word of God for then when we confess it... it will come to pass (my own input) i feel that it's very true... I dun want my parents and brothers to remain lost. I want them to be saved.. I want to really be an instrument of God's and I want His will to be done in my life... not mine... I want to be obedient... I shall follow and do what He wants me to do... right now, I am just very thankful and grateful that God loves me so...

Saturday, June 17, 2006

I am feeling lonely again... so lonely and sad tht I feel there's no one else in the world that truly understands me... actually there isn't... to think that there is... is really deceiving myself... I think it's kinda funny... there are those who know I am lonely... yet do nothing about it... those who do not know... re surprised when they realise it... how can my family be there yet not there? how can it be? yet am I the same? am I there and yet not there? here and yet not here? seen but not seeing... heard but not hearing? I guess I am... that's why I am lonely...

i used to think that I am the bringer of all bad news... that bad things happen when I am around... I still do... nothing seems to change that... ll the things that I get involved in... always get worse and things become bad with me around... I grew up thinking that... perhps it's lies... perhaps... but it seemed like the truth to me...

i dunno why I feel so unloved... but I realised today that knowing I am loved is not the same as feeling loved... perhaps that's why I always start liking other people and hoping they will reciprocate... but the hert is a deceiving device... it threatens to tear down restrains set by the mind... woe to me... if I break my word... it always seem as though the people you like dun like you and the people you dun do... but I know that I probably won't find anyone to share my life with if I remain like this... no point... cause i would never believe that I am good enough...

just like the past few days.. I started asking God again... why do you love me so? Why give your life for such a worthless person like me? why? yet today's BS was on fatherhood.. I cried during bs.. nearer to the end... cause it's like "you are valuable in God's sight"... I never thought I would worth or come up to anything... yet today... father's day weekend, when pastor said... ask God to be your Daddy God... I cried... so long I searched for someone to love me so...

I used to say... I want to have security in life... my son and I had a conversation and I said I would like to be the damsel in distress... he laughed... asked me why I want to be so helpless... but then as the damsel is in distress... there will be a hero tht comes to give security into her life... I long for it... hhhaha out of significance, self-worth and security... I have none... perhaps that's why I have been looking and searching for it for so long...

I remembered that once pastor said... we keep thinking that the nice guy is not right for us cause we think of ourselves low... and so... of course... when the wrong guy comes along, we think it's the right guy.. cause we think tht we are only good enough for that kind of wrong guy... so I guess I am like that... the only reason why I never got attached was cause i never made any move...

kinda funny right? that a person who only feels sad and angry can feel attraction to other people... but I think it's because of the void already present that causes the attraction... I guess my life is weird... I m deficient... breking down....

we can live 40 days without food, 3 days without water, 8 minutes without oxygen and 1 second without hope.. that's why I am dying... inside... again..

Thursday, June 15, 2006

A person of infinite worth

Lately, I was quite troubled.. cause my cg appreciated me... I know... it should be something you should be glad of... but I wasn't.. I was overwhelmed by it... I dunno how to react to it... too much... my family never do that to me...

Actually... I felt very down lately... cause I was troubled.. about my vow and my emotions... I thought back... I really wanted to just sit at my master's feet and listen to Him speak... I really want to dwell in His presence... away from people who get in the way of me trying to seek after Him... There's so much to do... like wht Pastor Phil would do, he would get up and start confessing tht God is his strength... I wanna do that too.. but it's so hard... I get distracted...

I felt very worried... scared that I would waste R's money... already, the left eyebrow seemed out of trim... I tried already.. it's just that I can't stare at my eyebrow with my right eye for more than a few seconds.. if not everything will start blurring into reddish brown... dunno how I am going to manage... I kept thinking whether I have wasted his money...

I kept thinking why the cg think I am so nice... actually I am a selfish person... I only treat them nice cause it's what we should do... but I need time for myself too... when I shared my testimonies last week.. I thought it sounded weird and fake.. cause Mj was looking at me weirdly when I said the cg's my family... I did ask him to talk to the cg about the problems in the cg, and I am truly glad he did.. but then I didn't expect everyone or rather almost everyone to appreciate me... it's overwhelming cause I don't know how to react to it... do I smile? or cry? I normally cry or smile when I am told to... something in me will tell me whether I should cry, whether I should feel something.. in other words, I am almost a machine... just that I am flash and blood but devoid of emotions...

If the cg only know how selfish I am, how I want to keep away from them to spend time by myself... I am in true, a loner.. I just want to be by myself sometimes... I can't stand close contct some times.. yet I yearn too for close relationships, where I get to know other people and stuff... mom you say that you hope to know me more.. but I too hope to know you more.. I want to know about other people... I dunno why... is it because I want to know how they feel and think of me?

I thought last night, maybe I am ashamed of myself.. that's why I wanted to run away and rest and take time off.. like the mask is falling... so I msut take time off to paint it so that the mask will not be spoilt and I can continue to be the nice person other people see.. I dunno why...

I am only nice to people in church... I feel a distance between my friends... actually a whole lot of distances between people I know... and these few days.. I just feel a sense of loneliness... like there's a huge gap between this side and the other side... where this side is made of me.. and the other side is of people whom I know.. but can't help feeling that there's a gap between us... is it because I was unloved? but I was loved... by my parents... (mind knowledge but not heart knowledge.. except for my dad) heart knowledge? or mind knowledge is better?

but the heart is a deceiving device.. it gives away emotions without thought and confuses the mind... Just hungry for fellowship... but yet I want to run away... there's something wrong with me arh?

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

not sure whether this is considered negative

time for some negtitivity hahahah just kidding... just wanna update on some things... just not sure whether they belong to this blog...

I have come to realise that in some way I am rather selfish... in a way, I kind like people showing affection or love to me like being nice and all... but i dislike it when they show all at one go... meaning when everyone be nice to you at the same time... it's kinda weird... its like I do like to be shown some ttention... but I dislike it when everyone shows me or pays me their attention... it's like being tugged at two sides... so in this way, since my birthday's coming... I dun want people to buy presents for me... hhhahaha... and in a way... they dun want to get the stuff from my wishlist... cause I think they think it's too sloppy a kind of present... and my son and future daughter-in-law wants to get me the yarn winder... which I tell them not to... cause it's a waste of their money... tht's how I feel... sigh.... so I guess I am kinda selfish...

My mom kinda realised or find out I am not very enthu about my party... cause I am waiting till the last minute to put the decor and also not wanting balloons... and not wanting the contact lens... anyway I think the shop is angry with me or rather my family.. cause I want the lens at such short notice and I want it asap and I only want 1 box of it... I think they are just being polite now because I am a customer... maybe at the backstage they are pulling their hair and trying their best not to strangle my dad...

I wonder what's a vision actually... cause I think I had 1... even if it's the shortest and faintest one... I aint even sure if it's not a fbrication of my imagination... sigh... woe you of little faith... sobs..

I was worshiping God or praising Him lst sat during service.. then suddenly I sw figure, from head down... his left hand was outstretched and beckoning me to follow him... I think or rather my first thought was Jesus calling out to me to follow Him.. today I read the bible and was thinking... mybe I have not given up everything to follow Him? mybe there are still some areas of my life tht I have not surrendered totally unto Him... I thought back to a conversation held last saturday... I think my ex-cgm was sort of counting the costs of following Jesus but his way of counting is faulty... it's flawed... I was thinking... somehow I dunno how to get closer to God leh... Pstor Casey Treat said.. he dunno how we can ask for more of the Holy Spirit when the Holy spirit is already with us... hmm yeah I guess I just want more of His presence.. truly one day in His house is better than a thousand days in the world...

my cgl laid hands on me last friday... he prayed for a new touch of God for me... which is what I wanted.. cool :) so I am waiting for the new touch of God... I am afraid that I keep my focus on artificial feelings and it's not good... what if I dun receive the real thing... sigh... unbelief... bad bad.. must renew my mind...